Opinion

Wacky in the USA

April 16, 2007 Edition 1

ACCORDING to the old adage, great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. Still, I think we should discuss the American people, because they do seem to be getting wackier by the week.

You might have read that serious survey which showed that three out of four Americans who get pierced are women, and twice as many Democrats as Republicans get pierced.

What's more, about one in three young adults sports a tattoo. Tattooed women favour the ankle, lower back and buttocks for their decoration, while men overwhelmingly prefer the arm.

Why this exhaustive research, and what is the link between piercing and politics? It's anyone's guess. And as for the tattooing, I hope the folks have learnt from Angelina Jolie.

She apparently had Billy Bob Thornton's initials tattoed on her arm, then after their break-up the tattoo had to be removed using laser-removal surgery. It probably cost her more than Billy Bob's removal.

Since reading about this curious survey the other day, I have been keeping an eye out for and filing odd stories from the United States.

I decided to skip the one about 290 people doing a race up the 86 floors of the Empire State Building because although that was bizarre enough, it is an official event.

But how about these strange items gleaned from American newspapers:

q From Lake Bluff, Illinois: Police said a man accused of failing to pay for more than 20 pedicures and other spa treatments led officers on a brief foot chase before he was arrested. Marshall G Wolbers, 56, has been charged with theft of services and several traffic violations.

q From Casper, Wyoming: An owl electrocuted itself in an electrical substation, briefly knocking out power to almost 23 000 residents in south Casper. Margaret Oler, spokeswoman for Rocky Mountain Power, said the bird had tripped the high-voltage line at 10.20pm on a Sunday, shutting down that and three other substations. She called it the largest outage she had seen in 25 years.

q Philadelphia: An official wants the city council to look at whether the city's sidewalks should be made of rubber. City council man Jim Kenney said the rubber was solid - probably harder than a running track. He said rubber sidewalks were made from recycled tyres. They didn't crack, and they lasted longer than concrete. Kenney said rubber sidewalks could also reduce the number of slip-and-fall accidents and the resulting lawsuits.

Dear, dear!

FINALLY, the San Francisco Chronicle nostalgically announced the 50th anniversary of the first "Dear Abby" column, which had this question-and-answer item:

"Dear Abby, maybe you can suggest something to help my sister. She is married to a real heel. He is 1.92m and weighs 109kg and she is 1.52m and weighs 48kg.

"He has a terrible temper and frequently knocks the living daylights out of her. - L L."

"Dear L L: I admit that your sister is no physical match for her heavyweight husband, but I have seen smaller girls flatten out bigger guys than this with just one look. If your sister has been letting this walrus slap her around frequently, maybe she likes it.

"Stay out of their family battles, chum."

How wacky (and whacky) is that?

Tailpiece

A MAN shuffles into the doctor's room for his annual check-up. The doctor asks all the right questions, taps all the right joints, and peers into all the right places.

Finally the doctor says: "You're as fit as a flea. You'll live to be 80."

"But I am 80!"

"See? What did I tell you?"

The bottom line

THE youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for 300 years. - Oscar Wilde

JON PENN